Marie Phillips

Limping in like a dancer with an injured ankle, it’s Strictlywatch. On a Thursday. I KNOW.

Stunned as I am that it’s already a theme night on Strictly, I have to say that I wish every week was Broadway week. The outfits! The choreography! The general sense of contestants pulling things out of the bag! In a good way! And most of all, the tunes! *Assumes Craig voice* I LOVED IT DARLING.

We open on the professional dancers doing ‘One Singular Sensation’ from A Chorus Line. There is a lot of business with hats. Thus I suspect it is choreographed by Artem. The celebs come on for the end and there is a lot more business with hats. More than intended in fact. I enjoy this.

Speaking of Artem, he’s first up with Holly. Holly is auditioning for Chicago by dancing a tango to ‘He Had It Coming’ in a black bob wig and some fetish gear. She starts the dance in a cage. Dads, you can’t vote until the end of the show. The dance reminds me of how brilliant Artem’s choreography is and how much I loved the dances he did last year with Kara. Oh Kara. The newspapers tell me you’re jealous of Artem and Holly. You and Artem have been fighting and Artem has moved out of your house and into Robin’s. If the newspapers say it it must be true. It can’t possibly have been cooked up for the publicity. Here’s what I think: I think it was cooked up for the publicity. That’s what I think. “Chicago is my favourite musical,” says Alesha. Subtitle: CAST ME.

Next up, Dan and Katya, doing a Viennese Waltz to something by Queen which I have not made a note of. What my notes actually say is “tree”. Ergo I conclude: Dan was wooden. After a pasting from Craig, Len says ‘I come to praise Daniel, not to bury him.” That didn’t end too well for Julius Caesar. Not for Dan either, as it turns out. Poor Dan was repeatedly stabbed in the back voted off. On his departure, Katya said, “I never got to get up with you at 3.30 in the morning.” Dan, looking - frankly - astonished, replied, “We can still do that if you like.” Dan and Katya totally should have hired Artem’s publicist. Too late now.

Next, Anita and Robin, doing a jive to a song from Hairspray. It’s wigtacular. I can’t stop looking at Robin’s wig I CAN’T STOP LOOKING AT ROBIN’S WIG wig wig wig wig WIG WIG WIG WIG WIIIIIIIIG. (Anita’s is also awful.) As for the dance, all my critical faculties go out the window. I’m dimly aware that something is going wrong on the technical level but what with the wigs and the dancing faces and the general fun overdose I find it impossible to care. This is the exact point at which I started wishing it was Broadway week every week.

Alex and James do some of their training on stage at Crazy For You, and I’m not sure of the rules of BBC advertorial, but all it does is remind me that I really want to see Crazy For You. They do a Viennese Waltz to ‘Memory’ from Cats, and it’s lovely. I don’t have much else to say. I find Waltzes, Viennese or otherwise, kinda boring. It gets an 8 from Craig, whose 8 paddle is made out of hen’s teeth.

Next are Rory and Erin, who do a quickstep to ‘Putting On My Top Hat’. (This reminds me of the classic Willie Rushton sketch, where he gets dressed to Top Hat, noting at the end that there are no lyrics regarding the putting on of trousers - alas not on Youtube). Erin’s dress is lovely. I mean lovely. LOVELY. I have a new theory, there are two costumes designers on Strictly. One designed this dress. The other was on wig detail. It’s a great dance and Rory looks so much happier. Let’s agree to never make him dance Latin again.

What is it like for Erin to dance with Anton? This is a mystery which preoccupies me quite a lot.

Now for Lulu, who, in training, is made to wear an Andrew Lloyd Webber mask by Brendan. Having seen the dance - a rumba to something out of Phantom of the Opera - I wish she’d worn it for the performance again. Rumbas make me want to chew off my own limbs with embarrassment. This one isn’t too bad actually - a “two arm” rumba, on a scale that goes up to “both arms, both legs, and gnawing my way up my own torso.”

Up in the gallery, Natalie looks nervous. Everybody has upped their game tonight. I conclude: Audley has not upped his game tonight.

But before we find out, it’s Nancy and Anton, or rather Nancy versus Anton. They do a tango to ‘Be Italian’ (from what? anybody?) and I am pretty sure Nancy is as good as Nancy is going to get. Tangos, basically, are good for dramatic people who can’t dance. They should give her the Argentine Tango next week and then send her home with a goodie bag. During the judges’ comments, I notice that when Alesha says “I commend you for that,” what she actually means is “everything else was shit.”

And NOW it’s time for Audley and Natalie. It’s a quickstep to ‘Too Darn Hot’. In training, they practice in a Bikram Yoga Studio. Because it’s hot. Very hot. Too darn hot. Yes? You see? And Natalie is orange, perhaps in a tan metaphor for having spent time in a place where it is too darn hot. Audley… has not upped his game. Alesha: “I commend you for that.” Uh-oh.

In Robbie and Ola’s training, they play the VISIT FROM HIS KIDS JOKER. Quite early in the series, too. There’s no need - it’s another good dance from Robbie, a tango to ‘Gimme Gimme Gimme (A Man After Midnight)’. This’d stand out better if it wasn’t a night of excellent tangos (there are more to come) but Robbie has very pleasingly muscular arms - I like a good arm - and with his hair tied back and his mouth closed over those teeth in a stern tango face he is quite pleasing himself. Afterwards he is SO HAPPY. This is a man on a Strictly journey. Drink!

Next up Russell and Flavia, dancing a foxtrot to ‘Don’t Rain On My Parade’. Flavia breaks out some excellent choreography - witty, not cheesy: other ‘comedy’ contestants take note - and Russell can really dance. Expressive moves, light on his feet, bags of charm. He’s no John Sergeant / Anne Widdecombe. This makes it about fifty-fifty whether the Strictly audience will turn on him for being too good, thus not entertaining enough, and vote him off, or crown him victor in [interminable number of] weeks.

Now for Jason and Kristina. Jason takes Kristina backstage at Priscilla Queen of the Desert and dresses up in his old drag costume. They then dance a tango to ‘I Will Survive’, from Priscilla. This may be a giant misstep. Jason - “superstar of stage and screen”, as Strictly have bafflingly billed you (“on a soap decades ago, released some dreadful singles, only recently rehabilitated by willingness to wear women’s clothes in public” would be more accurate) - DO NOT REMIND EVERYONE THAT YOU HAVE DANCED IN MUSICALS THEY WON’T VOTE FOR YOU. And I want them to vote for you because your dancing faces go from strength to strength. These tango faces are SUBLIME. Last seen on an angry dog chasing a fly. And the dance itself is also brilliant. It’s nearly impossible to get away with a comedy tango but they do. Craig has to go up into the attic to get his 9 paddle.

Stung by Robbie’s use of the child joker, Chelsee chooses this week to play the GRAN JOKER for her training video. She then does a cha cha cha to ‘Begging’ from Dreamboys whilst wearing a fringed bathing suit. Not the gran. It is very good. Not the bathing suit. In fact, as a non-cha cha person I think it’s the best I’ve seen since Alesha’s. Craig gives it a 6. Maybe not, then. Up in the gallery, Tess says to blank slate Pasha ‘Your girl put in a front of house performance.” This might be a boob joke. Or it might not be.

Last tonight it’s Harry and Aliona, doing a jive to Greased Lightning. Harry is very good. Aliona gives him almost nothing to do. There is a hand jive section. I am profoundly depressed.

Oh dear. We have ended on a low. QUICK EVERYBODY DO YOUR BEST TANGO FACE. That’s better. Tango face emoticon >=%